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We all like a laugh, don't we? And laughing is very, very good for us!

 

These are jokes I have gathered over a lifetime, I don't remember where I first heard them. They are just my favourites.

 

If they are offensive to any religious, national, sexual, or other grouping - sorry!

 

I ain't prejudiced against anyone and in any case- there ain't no use suing me - I'm broke (ie married)!

 

 

 

ALWAYS DUST DOWN YOUR CAR!
Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing. You're okay with it, because you get to watch golf all night.

She stumbles into bed around 4am, you laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover.

You wake up next morning and go outside to check the family car, which she used last night.

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece. You circle the car looking for dents or dings and find none at all.

Hang on though.....  CLICK HERE

 

 

THE SHEEP

A man walks into the bedroom late at night, with a sheep under his arm.  His wife is sitting up in bed reading.

 

“This is the pig I sleep with when you’ve got a headache” he says.

 

“I think you’ll find that’s a sheep” says his wife with a smirk.

 

“I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep” says the man.

 

SAUSAGES
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

Angily the Irishman replied: "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?”

“Would ya? Would Ya?"

"Well no", said the assistant.

Suitably encouraged by the success of his penetrating logic, the Irishman stepped up a gear.

"And if I asked you for frogs’ legs, would you ask me if I was French?

"Well no, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

Now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

"Because you're in f***ing Homebase!"  The assistant replied:

 

THE LOVE DRESS
Unannounced, a woman stopped by at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and walked right in.  There was her daughter-in-law lying naked on the couch.  Soft music was playing, and perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Waiting for Justin to come home from work" she replied.

"But you're naked!" her mother-in-law exclaimed.

"No. This is my love dress," she explained.

"Love dress? - Love dress?  - But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she said, "as soon as he sees me in this dress, he becomes extremely romantic and ravages me for hours.”

The mother-in-law left and raced home.

 

There she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch awaiting her husband’s return.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and immediately saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sexily.

"Mmmh... needs ironing," he said, "what's for dinner?"

 

THE MAN IN THE QUEUE (standing in line)
I bought a large bag of Winalot dog food in the supermarket and was standing in line at the checkout. A woman behind me looked at the Winalot and asked “do you have a dog?

”No” I said “I’m on The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't be  because I ended up in hospital last time.  I lost 20 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IV tubes in both arms.”

”It’s essentially a perfect diet” I said.  “I lfill my pockets with Winalot nuggets and eat one every time I feel hungry.  I know it’s nutritionally complete so I’m going to try it again.”

By now practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.

Clearly horrified, she asked “did you end up in hospital in that condition because you were poisoned by the Winalot?

”No” I replied, “I was sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.”

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

 

 

THE LADY IN THE QUEUE (standing in line)

A man is queuing at his local supermarket when he notices that the dishy blonde behind him in the queue is smiling at him and waving.

 

He is take aback that such a looker would be waving at him, and although she looks familiar, he simply can’t remember where he has met her before.

 

I’m sorry" he says, "do you know me?"

 

"I may be mistaken", she replies, "but I think you may be the father of one of my children."

 

The blood rapidly drains from his face, and his mind immediately shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

 

"Bloody hell!" he explains, "are you that stripogram at my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates, while your mate whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

 

"No" she replies "I’m your son’s Sunday school teacher!"

 

THE BURGLAR
A burglar crept into a darkened room in a large house and began to search around, using his torch. Suddenly he froze in panic as a voice in the darkness said "Jesus is watching you!"

 

He stood stock-still, and after a few seconds decided he had imagined it and carried on.

 

"Jesus is watching you!" Repeated the voice.

 

This time he was certain it wasn't his imagination. He shone his torch in the direction of the voice - and spotted a parrot in a cage.

 

"Did you say that?" he said to the parrot.

 

"Yup" said the parrot.

 

"Ah" said the burglar, and I suppose you're Jesus?

 

"Nope" said the parrot, "I'm Clarence. Jesus is the Doberman just behind you!"

 

FAVORITE HUSBANDS
Woman to a friend

 

"I've been married three times - you know."

 

"Once to a gynaecologist, but all he wanted to do was to study it. I'm glad to be rid of him"

 

"Then I married a psychiatrist, but all he wanted to do was talk to it. I'm glad to be rid of him too.”

 

"I was also married to a stamp collector" she said wistfully, "now him I really miss!"

 

 

THE JUDGE
A drunken judge is going home on a train when he is sick all down his suit.

 

"Bugger" he thinks, "my wife will kill me for this"

 

So when he arrives home, he tells his wife another drunk did it.

 

"I'm really mad about this" he tells her, "but I'll get my own back. He's up before me in my court on Monday - I'll give him three months".

 

"Mmm", says his wife. "I think you'd better give him six months, dear. He's shit in your trousers too".

 

 

THE MILKMAN
A man comes home to his wife.

 

"Gladys", guess what I've just heard? "Our milkman has slept with EVERY woman in this street except one!"

 

"Mmm" said Gladys thoughtfully, "That'll be that stuck-up bitch at number twenty-eight!"

 

 

THE OFFICE JUNIOR

At 5:30 pm a businessman intercepts the office junior by the paper-shredder.

 

"Ah Julie" he says, "I'm really glad I caught you. I just don't know how to work this bloody machine, and I absolutely must deal with these priceless documents right now!"

 

"No problem boss" says Julie, turning on the machine and feeding in the documents.

 

"Ah thanks", says the executive, "two copies please."

 

 

BUMPER STICKERS
Seen on American Car Bumpers (fenders) just after the second Iraq war.

 

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

 

Seen on an American Car Bumper just after the Ayotollah came to power in Iran and the US embassy there was destroyed.

 

Protect Turkeys. Roast an Iranian for Thanksgiving

 

Seen on a US car bumper sticker during the "Monica" Scandal

 

A survey asked 10,000 US women if they would ever sleep with Bill Clinton.

90% replied - "No - never Again"

 

 

Everyone loves a Lawyer/Attorney

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

 

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.

 

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

 

 

 

PROTECTING YOUR DRINK
A man in a bar suddenly needed a pee, and headed off to the gents leaving his drink on the bar.

 

When he returned, his glass was empty.

 

An hour later he needed to go again. "Aha" he thought, and wrote a little note which he propped up against his glass - "I have spit in this drink" it said.

 

Five minutes later he returned. His note had gone.

 

"So have I" said its replacement.

 

 

THE LUMBERJACK

Paddy got job as lumberjack.

 

He reported to the manager's office on his first day. The manager handed him an enormous chainsaw and told him "You have to cut down fifty trees by nightfall, or you don't get paid."

 

By nightfall on the first day he's cut down 40 trees, and he's absolutely knackered when he gets back to hand in his chainsaw.

 

"Sorry, says the foreman, you get no pay unless you cut fifty trees."

 

On the second day he arrives back at the office even more knackered. He's cut 45 trees. Still not enough!

 

On the third day he arrives back at the office more knackered still. He's cut 48 trees - still not enough!

 

"I really don't understand it Paddy" said the foreman, "the other lads are doing OK, let's go outside, check out your technique and see what's wrong".

 

The go outside and the foreman takes Paddy's chainsaw and pulls the cord to start the engine.

 

"What's that noise?" says Paddy.

 

THE WITCH

A man went into a bar and saw another man sitting by the piano.

 

At the piano was a tiny dwarf about 18 inches tall, playing like a maestro. He was an absolutely brilliant pianist, even though he could hardly reach the keys.

 

Bloody hell!" exclaimed the new arrival, "I've never seen anything like it, a piano player no more than eighteen inches high. Is he with you?

 

"Yep" said the man by the piano, "He's mine alright."

 

"Bloody hell" said the visitor again, "where on earth did you get him?"

 

"Ah well, it was a mistake really" said the man by the piano. "I helped an old lady carry her shopping from the bus to her house, and when we got there she told me she was very grateful, and because she was a witch, she would grant me one very special wish."

 

"She granted you a wish" said the visitor, "and you wished for him?" nodding in the direction of the piano playing dwarf.

 

"No of course I didn't" said the man.

 

"The trouble was I didn't realise she was deaf. She thought I asked for an eighteen inch pianist!"
 

 

RED ADAIR’S COUSIN

During the first gulf war, dozens of oil wells were set ablaze by the retreating Iraqis. Most were put out fairly quickly, but one really tricky and the Sheikh of Kuwait sent for the legendary “Red” Adair to put out the blaze.

 

Unfortunately Red was engaged in another blaze elsewhere. “Sod it” said the sheikh to Red’s agent, “now what do I do, this baze is costing me ten million a day and it’s already burned for a week!”

 

“Well you could try Red’s irish cousin” said the manager, he could probably put the fire out and he’ll only charge you ten million. His name’s “Green” Adair.

So the sheikh got on the ‘phone, and luckily “Green” was available. “I’ll get the next ship” he said.

 

“Ship?” said the sheikh, “this is urgent,. I’ll send a heavy transport plane to bring you, your crew and all your gear right here”

 

The next day the plane hove into view, and after circling the blazing well a couple of times, it came in to land a few hundred yards from the fire.

 

As soon as the wheels stopped turning, the rear cargo doors dropped down and a big green truck shot down the ramp and headed straight for the flames. To the amazement of onlookers, it didn’t stop but drove on, stopping right in the middle of the inferno.

 

As soon as it stopped, a dozen men leapt out of the doors and began beating at the flames with their jackets. After just a couple of minutes the flames were out. Everybody cheered as a smoke-blackened Green Adair led his men back to the sheikh.

 

“My God” said the sheikh, “that was absolutely amazing - such bravery! Here’s your ten million dollars. You’ve earned it!”

 

“Thanks” said Green

 

“Tell me” said the Sheikh, “what are you going to do with all that money?”

 

“Well” said Green thoughtfully, “the first thing I’m going to do is buy some brakes for that bloody truck!”.
 

 

GRUMPY OLD MEN
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

 

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

 

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

 

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

 

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

 

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

 

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

 

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

 

THE STRING

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Cap Gemini Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's trouser fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

 

DAVID’S RIDING LESSON

David Beckham, international football (soccer) superstar, is lampooned the world over for being just a little …. uhh …. thick!

It therefore comes as a bit of a surprise to hear about his recent riding venture.

 

Apparently he was visiting a small village in the countryside of southern UK, when he spotted a horse outside a shop, and decided to take a ride. Ignoring his wife Victoria’s protests, he leapt aboard and was off.

Surprisingly, he was pretty good and although the horse was extremely active, he held his seat pretty well. He decided to increase his speed, which turned out to be a mistake.

Seconds later he began to slip out of the saddle and suddenly he was hanging on with his arms around the horse’s neck and his toes just touching the ground.

Victoria screamed and screamed, but the horse didn’t stop and David just hung on and hoped.

Hearing all the commotion outside, a shopkeeper rushed out. Taking in the situation immediately he leapt into action. Without a thought for his own safety he dived in front of the horse, and with a flick of the wrist, he pulled out the plug.

David was saved.